My Story

                                                                 

Early Stuff ~~~ The Roots
                                                                                                                 



Artist: Eric Vasquez
BEFORE I was born, I had a memory, my first memory.  I was somewhere. There was no color, no light, no dark, no sound.  It was nothingness.  I could not see with physical eyes but I knew what was going on around me which was nothing, it seemed, yet everything.  I could not hear with physical ears but I was aware of communicating.  I wasn't male or female.  I had no body, no form, no finite-ness.

                              I just WAS.  I was in IS-ness.

I was 'doing' something but 'doing' with no body, no form.  I don't know what I was doing, but I was busy if busy could describe it.  I seemed to be enjoying myself.


Another BEing approached.  I could not see it.  I could not hear it.  I could only feel it, know it was there.  It was without form as well.   

The communication from that BEing, which did not come in words, translated to a request for me to do something different, to make a change. That part is heavily veiled.  So is the part of what I was doing or preparing to do.

I remember agreeing to whatever was presented.
  
~

The next thing I see, with physical eyes, is a screen door, and I am in physical form, yet not in physical form.  I am not in it, yet bound by it.  I still feel massive in my BEingness and operating from my Is-ness but there seems to be edges now. Edges and finite shapes. I am unable to effortlessly move.

I am not very high.  I am not even half way up the screen door and low to the ground.  It is all new and foreign, yet also known at the same time.  I look out the screen door and see something tumbling by, don't know what, don't know much except that I am not where I was before I awoke here.  Go to black.

~

I am now somewhere else, higher now and living in a green house.  I have lost almost all awareness of my boundless BEingness and even the concept.  I seem to be more in that physical shape yet still hovering, and I do not feel good. Things are confusing.

There are people with me.  A mother, a father and a little brother.  There was a big gap between looking out that screen door and being in this green house.  I found out later that we were visiting relatives and living in another area during that gap.  I was to become accustomed to big gaps.

~

Things did not start off well for me in this new form and in that green house.  I seem to be forgetting things and getting into a lot of trouble.  I am stealing things from the store and from a friend's birthday party.  I asked a friend to take off her glasses, then I broke them.

There is something in me urging and telling me to do these things.  I don't know how to make it stop.  I tell my mother this and can't remember what she said.  She is frustrated.  I don't remember feeling good at any time, and I am so very young in earth years.

~

I started losing more time and missing days as I got higher.  There would be big gaps where I wouldn't be 'there' for several days, then I would be there again. It was like going to sleep.  I would go to a place of darkness, nothingness and then, after some time, 'wakeup' again. I don't know what happened, in my outer or inner world, when I was not 'there'...just giant blanks.

~

One Friday, in second grade, I was standing in a school line facing in the direction to leave school. My eyes blinked once and then I was standing in line facing in the direction to enter school.  I was confused and asked my friend what day it was. Monday she said.  It was Friday just a moment ago and before I blinked, and it was Monday after the blink.

I panicked. I don't remember the weekend. Where was my homework?  I don't remember doing my homework.  I don't remember anything.  I hurriedly opened up my notebook, and there was my homework.  Who did my homework?  It was my handwriting. That was too much to handle, so off I go to underground world again.

Understanding The Early Stuff


Much later in my adult life I came to understand that a part, an aspect of me did my homework.  It was not 'me', but a fragment of me that took over when I went underground. ( Soul Fragmentation/DA/DID ).

The clinical term for those gaps in memory, the losing of time, is Dissociative Amnesia (DA).  It is when a person loses the memory of traumatic events for the moment.  It is a dissociation of the 'me' (person experiencing the trauma) so the 'me' is not conscious and experiencing the trauma as it unfolds.

It is like going to sleep and being unconscious while crazy stuff is going on around or happening to you.  The 'me' is somewhere in the great unconscious/subconscious, being mercifully spared from the knowing of it (the trauma) and biding time until the threat is no longer around, and can once again emerge.

The memory of the trauma and the 'me' in the trauma episode are repressed.  It is a coping mechanism.  A greater part of us takes over in extreme circumstances and runs the show.  This is a great benefit as it helps us to move on and live life without completely falling apart at that time. That comes later when circumstances allow for it.  

This means that the memory of the trauma will not be known in the short-term and may never be known if someone tamps down really hard on their pain.  But it almost always comes up and out at some point in life.  It is like a ticking time bomb.

Naturally developing the ability to dissociate, or go underground as I liked to call it, thru traumatic life experiences and especially so early in life hones one to be hyper vigilant about people around them.  Because trauma has been present, and perhaps more than once, the senses are acutely aware of the signs leading up to events of trauma.

This alertness is required so that when the trauma is near one can slip easily and quickly into the underground zone and be 'safe' from the event.  It is a survival technique, especially for children, when there is no one that the child can reach out to for safety and is prohibited from leaving the situation by a force much greater than they are.  There is a complete helplessness.

This vigilance, this hyper awareness only grows as we grow and is really in force in the adult years. A person or situation can be read like a book.  Sometimes the very next move, their very next word is already known.  As an adult our options in getting help when danger is present are much more than when we are a child and dissociative amnesia may not be necessary.

DA is NOT Multiple Personality Disorder or now called DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).  DA is a protective device that does produce fragmentation (aspects) that protect us from the knowledge of the trauma and live life for us until the threat has passed, but they are not fully developed personalities as in DID.

The DA did stop at a particular age thank goodness.

Because I had lived life going underground and had gaps of missing time, I thought everyone lived life with gaps.  Years ago I described to a cousin how I would black out and not remember hours, days or weeks.  Did she experience the same thing? Nope. That was a little shocking to me. All of us only have our subjective view of the world and the view of the world from my angle was like that. 

Because of these severe early childhood traumas and subsequent DA, my life path has been fraught with difficulties.  The first half of my life was highly dysfunctional.

What Is Wrong With Me?

Source
Pregnant at an early age, I was still a baby and too emotionally handicapped to live any kind of balanced life.

My beautiful son was born and because I was so dysfunctional the care of him was remanded to my beloved Mother. Throughout his life I came in and out of it and tried on several occasions to be a mother but failed.

I didn't know how to love and care for another human being because I did not know how to love and care for myself. Since then he and I have gone to counseling together and are now whole.

The main thing that was important for me for him to understand was that I was not capable of raising a child.  There was nothing wrong with him.

There were quite a few people who would look down on me because I was not raising my child, because I was not being a Mother.  I had so much guilt already and other people's judgement only heaped more on top.  The guilt, self hate and pain only increased.  Although those people didn't know any better, they were actually making things worse.

Entering relationships was easy but maintaining one for the long haul was impossible.  Again I did not know how to appropriately love someone because of lack of that toward myself. I went in and out of many relationships.  All of them were hard lessons that I was unable to learn from. And the relationship partners had hard lessons to learn from me as well.  We were always a perfect fit in that regard.

I felt like I had a good heart and was not a bad person, yet other people couldn't see that. When we are in the throes of dysfunction, we try so hard to do and say the right thing and hope someone understands us, but it is almost impossible because of our urgings and actions. For me, I had a hard time expressing what was truly going on inside of me.  I didn't know how.

It is hard for someone to understand this level of dysfunction unless they have actually lived it. So judgments from others are part of it.  And actually their judgments are part of our wakeup call. But it still hurts.  We don't feel like those awful people that we are made out to be.

I self-medicated for years with drugs and alcohol.  When I went into psychological therapy, I explored the possibility that I may be an addict. In therapy I was practicing rigorous self inventory and no longer wanted to gloss over and be denial about any thing that may be driving me. By grace, I discovered that I was not an addict but responding to situational pain and confusion with the only relief that I knew at the time and could consistently get my hands on.

I did accomplish some things and was surprised at how smart I was, yet generally it was a challenge to stay focused while in constant and consistent pain.  Waking up required abundant hard knocks and life reflecting back to me in very rough ways. Eventually, I came to a point of understanding that what I was doing was not working.

But how do I stop what I am doing?
  
How do I stop what is compelling me to do what I am doing?

It feels like something is controlling me.

I am not doing what I am doing because I am a bad person or trying to be a bad person.  I just don't know any better.  If a feeling or an urging to move in certain direction hit me, off I would go. Obviously those directions, those urgings, those feelings were not appropriate and conducive to living a happy life.  But I couldn't tell what was appropriate and not appropriate because they were MY feelings; they were inside of ME.  There was nothing else guiding me but inappropriateness.

Where do those inappropriate urgings, thoughts, feelings come from?

How do I stop them?

How do I get out from under depression, anxiety, panic, fear, 
self hate, suicidal tendencies, self sabotage etc.?

How do I stop messing up?

I would look at other people being happy and wonder why and how they could be happy and at the same time feel bad because I wasn't able to be happy.

Why am I so different that I can't be happy?

I felt dirty.
I never felt free.
I never felt good.

I felt guilty and shameful about everything.

Help - Phase 1

                                   
When we have repressed memories, they usually stay repressed until we are in a 'safe' environment to process them.  But just because the memory may be repressed doesn't mean that the effects are.  That is what causes the dysfunction.

The effects of the traumas/memories are alive and well, online and driving us every minute of every day. They reside in the subconscious where all other detrimental urgings do, and the subconscious controls the conscious.

After several breakdowns, medications, psychological help and extreme support at one critical period of time, I got somewhat better.  The 'safe' environment that was key for my progress showed up.  A very special person came into my life and provided that atmosphere for me.  I will be forever grateful to him.

In the beginning of the healing process I was on a specific medication.  Altho I am a strong proponent of natural healing techniques, allopathic medicine does have advantages.  The medication I was taking was keeping me stabilized so I could process my emotions and understand why I was doing what I was doing.  Otherwise I was a mess.

One very important thing that both my doctors, psychologist and psychiatrist, told me was that I would always be on medication because my brain had been hard-wired at a very early age.  In other words, these feelings, emotions and reactions to life were ingrained in me so deeply on so many levels that I would not be able to, wholly, get out from under it.

I DID NOT ACCEPT THAT 

Eventually I took myself off the medication, but I am very, very grateful that something like that existed because I had been self medicating for years with drugs and alcohol.  I understand that a pharmaceutical is also a drug, but the drug I was taking was conducive in helping. The alcohol and drugs did help me feel better and cope yet with them I was unable to get any better.

There were warnings from some circles that I would form an addiction to the medication.  My personal psychiatrist advised that it wasn't addictive and not to be concerned.  He was right. When the time came to leave the medication behind, I made the choice and just stopped taking it period, cold turkey.  I had no withdrawals or seizures or any of the other dire, predicted consequences.  The only drawback was 3 sleepless nights.

(A Caution:  I am not a medical professional and not suggesting or prescribing anything for you.  I will not divulge the name of the medication because this is my experience and my experience only.  Everyone is biologically different and have different reactions to different substances. Always follow your health care providers' advice and treatment plans.)

A psychologist, talking doctor, was recommended and of great benefit.  I saw him pretty regularly for 2 solid years and then sporadically for 3 additional years.  He said I was one of the hardest workers he had ever worked with meaning I was vigilant about getting better.  I was and still am. That will never change.  My evolution is ongoing.

I found A Course In Miracles and that really helped.  When I heard the name of the book, I was like "What? A way to make miracles.  There is a book to show you how to make miracles?!"  I couldn't get it fast enough.  This book was my bible and showed me a significant piece to the puzzle - how to view life, discern and respond to situations.  It was a new world.  Lots of other books followed. Lots of different ways of living life, spiritual outlooks etc.

Help - Phase 2 
Warp Speed


After all that significant help, and it was significant there was still something missing. Although I felt better and changed behavior, perception and reaction patterns, there were some nagging issues continuing to hang on.  Innately I knew that I was a long way off from where I wanted to be. I felt undercurrents of familiar urgings and some of the same feelings I had before.


In The Category Of:
'I didn't see that one coming' 

Then on my 50th birthday super-power healing techniques dropped into my lap out of nowhere.  I was in a rainforest in Hawaii with a companion and we were doing an eye-to-eye meditation. Out of nowhere an ugly Being began materializing above my partner's head. Below that Being was an Asian man and below the Asian man, a small boy about the age of 4. These were all energetic forms materializing in the 3rd dimensional plane that could be seen with my human eyes.

The ugly, evil-looking Being was very scary and I broke the meditation right then and there. It was frightening and upsetting. I did the best I could to explain it to my partner, but there was no comprehension there. After all he did not see it so that was understandable. We discussed it for a bit then he left to do some things.

Less than an hour later he came running back to our hut hurriedly talking about a man that was visiting in the community. He said I needed to go and see him now as he was leaving soon, very soon.  So I left right then, found the man and told him of my earlier experiences with and confusion about the Beings.  He understood and invited me to a workshop he was giving on Maui that very weekend. A girlfriend and I packed and went.

The workshop was about the unseen world and non-physical Beings and other manifestations that resided there. And most importantly how to discover and get rid of them if they needed to go and how to heal unseen parts of us that needed to stay. It was an amazing 2 days.

At the workshop I learned that the dark, negative Being I saw over my companion's head was just that and the Asian man and small boy were earthbounds.  Earthbounds are lost souls that don't make it to their appropriate destination after their physical bodies die. They are confused or in shock upon death and wander about. Sometimes they attach to those who are alive in breathing, physical bodies. Upon returning from the workshop the dark Being, Asian man and little boy were removed from my companion. He felt better.

In my wildest dreams I couldn't have planned my next step to unfold like that. You can't make this stuff up. I had given little notice to the unseen world and quite frankly really didn't believe in most of that dark stuff. After actually seeing it for myself, in 3D no less, I was cured of any doubt. They just popped out of nowhere without any warning. I didn't ask for it. And the teachings showed up just a very short time later. It doesn't get any clearer than that.

It was a wakeup call beyond wakeup calls. (There are not only negative Beings that block the road to healing. Much, much more is involved in this work on many levels. So please don't get the idea that that is all there is to it.)

That event was just a small, yet powerful introduction into the world that lay ahead. When I left the Islands, the intensity of the thing increased. Other teachers and methods in the accelerated healing arts came like an avalanche. Information about retrieving pain/wounds out of the subconscious and how to permanently deactivate them was very exciting and encouraging. I have always asked for ultimate and permanent healing. I got my wish. It was served up on a platinum platter.  And it still continues today.

As soon as I got those tools I applied them to myself and boy did things take off from there. Sweet freedom was finally coming my way. I began making exceptional gains in how I felt. I felt actual energetic disturbances and non-beneficial consciousness leaving me. The forcing and compelling behaviors that created destructive feelings and actions left with them.

The root causes were being exposed. It was amazing. I had hit pay dirt. It is one thing to talk thru challenges/traumas with a professional and understand the why and the how and so very helpful. It is another thing to actually get rid of the cause of the why and the how. I could've saved years in healing time had I discovered these techniques earlier, yet it is all good. I learned a lot during the early healing years and use that in my life today and with others. I am very pleased with the journey.

I write about fragmentation, spirit releasement, physical and sexual traumas, PTSD, anxiety, panic, feeling depressed and hopeless, being miserable in general and a slew of other life-degenerating symptoms because I have lived it. I am uniquely qualified to help others in these situations because of personal experience. I may not be on the exact same word and page as another who has had similar experiences, but I am in the same book.

Every technique I use with you in your healing journey, I have experienced it first. I experienced it and then learned how to do it. I still use these techniques on myself when something new comes up that needs attention.


Self Love

Ultimately it is about Self Love which translates to self worth and feeling as if we deserve an abundant, happy and contented life.  

To get to our Inner Nurturer and Tender Lover, we have to remove all of that which leads to Self Destruction. There is no other way. With radical healing, we must go to the subconscious and other fields of our BEing ness to find what is driving self destruction.

I have profound moments of grieving for the little girl and lost woman I once was, who were so full of pain that they could not function, could not love, could not experience success and in turn could not receive love. I see how far I have come, and my journey touches me deeply.

I also understand that my healing is not over. I am a work in progress. All of us are works in progress. We get better and better in every moment even tho it may seem otherwise. There is never not a moment when we are sitting still and idling,

Yet we do eventually and finally get closure on each of our stories. And then that is what they become: stories. They no longer affect us and gradually fade way, and that is a very good thing.

There is nothing more important than the way we feel.
Feeling good is everything.  
Bottom line.



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