10.30.2012

Tenderly Honoring and Loving The Brave, Awakening And Aching Parts Of Me



Looking back over my early childhood and first half of my life...
I felt the pain and the sadness of those parts of me that were unable to function, 
unable to be happy, unable to do and create in life.

The ones who were in pain, who felt lonely, who felt abandoned, 
who did not know how to love, how to receive love and 
ultimately how to love themselves…
the ones who held this for me so I could breathe and live.
  
At the time of their time
they could not afford to grieve, to be weak, to allow love.  

Love was a dangerous thing.  
They could only clinch tightly and march 
forward with their stinging consignments. 

And finally when the march had been long and weary and exhaustion 
arrived, they could hold it no more and kindly asked: 

“Are you ready?“  

Yet, it was more of a deep plea and soft demand both and at once. 

“Yes” I replied.  

So then I began doing the grieving for them, decompressing them, lastly 
allowing them the space and acceptance of who they are and how they feel. 

And mixed in with their grieving thru me,
 I was also grieving for them and myself.

It is odd - the many angles of grieving. 
There is much going on inside of me.

Sometimes the grieving was sharp and stabbing.  
Sometimes it was a sweet weep with gratitude to them for being 
on the front lines, for holding it together no matter what was happening.  

Holding it together in that we are all still alive and above ground.

So many times was death wished for and actually reached for but never accomplished, 
so many times when the sweet release from the body would have meant sweet release 
from the pain and unrelenting darkness that endlessly encapsulated.

Sometimes the grieving was for the missed opportunities of what could have been, 
had the girl and young woman been whole, been sound, been lusciously and 
lavishly in their creative juices and able to produce worlds of color and grand magic.

Sometimes the grieving was for the missed opportunities of perhaps a lasting love, 
a love where two people joyously celebrate each other in their successes, in their 
failures, in times of great loss and sadness and in times of triumphant climbs 
in consciousness, a love of longevity, of lasting and abiding companionship
 that supports and braces everything about them as a whole.

More and more the grieving became one of a final farewell to them in 
a sense, but actually the relieving them of the madness, for having 
unknowingly loved without knowing they loved 
so much that no matter what they did, no matter how confused and miserable
 they were, no matter how much they destroyed themselves from lack of knowing 
how to care for themselves they continued, they lived, they strived to take the next 
step and the next...

And grieving for them because... 
they showed me the way to me and of the 
herculean task that was required to deliver me to me.

They were the ones who held the aching, held the turmoil, held the insanity 
so I could finally emerge, so I could claw my way to and know peace, 
know creation, know love…

And it was now my turn to finally show and bring it to them so that 
they could, at last, be whole, be at peace and live thru me. 

I relish this, this position I am in to enfold them in my
 everlasting care and tender love.

I love and thank them for holding me up,
even tho they almost gave up.

I Am In Awe Of You.

© Aniel Lia Love

An excellent heart-warming tune:
Timsel by Mumford & Sons



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